Finding someone with a secure attachment is like discovering a $20 bill in the pocket of a jacket you bought from a thrift store.
It came out of nowhere, and you’re incredibly grateful.
Attatchment theory rocked my world a year and a half ago when I decided to go on a one-year dating hiatus. I wanted to understand why I made poor choices with men. I tried to change my ways once and for all.
The premise of attachment theory is that adults have three attachment styles. They’re known as avoidant, anxious, and secure.
It turns out I fall under anxious. With my history of clinging to shitty men, who would’ve thought!
Attachment theory helped me understand how I formed my anxiety around dating. A mixture of childhood experiences and past lovers seemed to be the culprit. Plus, I picked avoidant men, further exacerbating my anxiety.
So while I had plenty of personal experience with anxious and avoidant styles, a secure attachment was foreign.
Then I met my current boyfriend, and it all made sense. He clearly displays the signs of a securely attached person. Those characteristics are why I love him and feel secure in working through my anxious tendencies.
If you’re wondering if your partner is securely attached or want to keep your eyes peeled for one, here are a few signs to help you spot them:
They have boundaries and respect yours.
Boundaries are something a securely attached person is used to. Most likely, their parents had boundaries for them throughout their childhood.
They will communicate to you when their feelings have been hurt or they need time to themselves. They will understand your need for the same as well.
They don’t succumb to jealousy (for the most part).
A late-night text from your ex won’t rock the boat when it comes to someone who’s securely attached. They are trusting until given a reason not to be.
Jealousy is usually not a characteristic of someone secure. A securely attached person feels confident knowing their partner will be faithful, even when they go out with friends or on a trip abroad.
They seem very authentic and, naturally themselves.
Don’t get me wrong: confidence and secure attachment are not mutually exclusive. Nor is being an extrovert and secure attachment.
But when you’re with someone, and you admire how “them” they are, that’s a sign of a person that has a secure attachment. They are comfortable being who they are and don’t seek validation from others or try to overcompensate with fake confidence.
That can look like a woman that prefers spending time alone playing Call of Duty or a guy that can never stop talking about his odd hobby.
Authenticity is a sign of a person that feels secure interacting with others.
They pursue goals and activities outside the relationship.
While an anxious person has a tendency for co-dependency or an avoidant person finds it difficult to make time for their lover, a securely attached person is different.
A securely attached person easily maintains their sense of identity in a relationship.
They’re able to balance their hobbies and seeing friends with making time for their partner.
They don’t play games.
There’s no wondering about their feelings or ghosting when it comes to securely attached people. They recognize that other people have feelings, and they respect them.
When it comes to a person they’re interested in, they seek closeness with the other person and see games as silly and unnecessary as a means to this end.
They have healthy habits with sex.
Securely attached people won’t seek to make them feel validated in bed, nor will they push you beyond your comfort levels.
They tend to see sex as an act of intimacy with their partner, both a way to feel good and connect with the other person.
Emotional and sexual intimacy tends to be intertwined with them.
They enjoy closeness.
While an avoidant person may run from physical or emotional closeness, a securely attached person welcomes it.
They don’t worry about becoming co-dependent on their partner because they can maintain their sense of self while in a relationship. They value intimacy with another person and see it as something special.
Closeness comes naturally to securely attached people.
They make you feel safe and at home.
Securely attached people make you feel comfortable being around them.
They are the person you can open up to, lay around doing nothing with, and genuinely be yourself around. They don’t judge you or make you question their motives. They’re like a breath of fresh air after a long day of work, someone you can count on to be your rock.
For someone with an anxious or avoidant attachment, a secure person can provide what you need in a relationship. They’re also great for modeling how you might want to change your behaviors to look like.
Once you date someone securely attached, I promise you’ll never want to go back.
If you struggle with feeling insecure and overthinking when you date, check out my free dating anxiety journal prompts.
If you want to move towards feeling confident and secure when looking for love, grab your copy of my 30-day dating guide, "From Anxious to Secure."